I was at a Whole Foods recently , shopping for some diaper cream for my 1 year old.  Usually when a dad is shopping for diaper cream, it’s reactive and fairly urgent. I also suffer from an inability not to share my wisdom, after 20 years in sales, having attended many sales trainings, building an extensive audio and print library and even managing a few sales reps of my own, I can’t help but offer advice to people trying to sell me something. This particular pairing didn’t make for great exchange I inadvertently had with a few store clerks, with whom I seem to share an inherently mutual resentment.

STORE CLERK 1
(talking with Store Clerk 2) Lindsey can ask me to work this weekend all she wants but Travis just said to say I booked a retreat to a SLO farm in Petaluma and she’ll totally respect that.

STORE CLERK 2
LOVE Travis! He’s so smart, but so normal. Right?

STORE CLERK 1
Right?! (Sees me examining diaper creams) Excuse me sir?

ME
(not turning to look, absorbed and overwhelmed by a wall of ointments) Huh?

STORE CLERK 1
Do you want to try this antacid, it works great and we have a sale to buy two and get the third free or something.

ME
(Insulted by the offer, irritated not to find right cream and not be offered help to find it) No thank you.

STORE CLERK 1 (Defeated, throws the antacid back into the box on the cart) (to Store Clerk 2) I don’t get it. Amber sold like 5 of this in her first hour and I still haven’t sold one. (Store Clerk 2 shakes her head.

ME
(sensing a sales coaching opportunity) Can I offer you some advice? (Store Clerk 1 glares back at me) If you’re really wondering why you haven’t sold any of those it’s because you didn’t qualify me. (Still nothing from Store Clerk 1). I don’t suffer from indigestion. I’m not a candidate for that. Just like I’m not a candidate for feminine hygiene products (Store clerk 1 now disgusted). You need to qualify who you’re talking to before you can sell a product like that. Ask me if I suffer from indigestion or feel a little bloated after big meals. Look for people overweight (I look her up and down as an example but stop from saying “someone like you”) sometimes even pregnant woman can be potential candidates, and that stuff you have is class 3 approved, I know I used to sell PPIs. (Blank stares from store clerks). Anyway, not a mystery. Just need to qualify, (realizing my wisdom is having no effect and is not appreciated, I digress) you don’t need to insult guys who are trying to be a good dad and pick up diaper cream for his 3 month old because the fucking nanny or his wife can’t wipe correctly. I got it hard enough. (Store cleark 1 gives the oh no you didn’t face) Fuckin trip on me like I’m old and need that crap because I’m 40 and a dad. You and your friend there, that’s the problem with this place. What was your interview like? ‘Do you give a shit? ‘ Hell NO! Are you tatted up with cliche ironies? ‘ you know it! ‘Can you banter mundane shit in front of customers who overpay for every god damn thing in this store and act irritated if they interrupt you? ‘ hell yeah! ‘ Do you promise never to shower and smoke weed a block away during your breaks? ‘ maybe ‘ Your hired!!

STORE CLERK 1
Travis!!!!!